Summary
We all get ourselves into awkward conversations. Here are some tips to help you when you don't know what to say.
I used to work with a fun and firecracker-y writer who had the best ideas for comebacks. She had a lot of poise and seemed to let plenty of stuff roll off her shoulders. Being someone who hardly could think of anything to say in an awkward moment, I was impressed! I’m sure it was years of experience and practice, but I always felt like why can’t I be more like that?
If someone said something inappropriate, offensive, or blatantly disrespectful, she suggested asking this in a calm and kind of naïve tone:
What did you say?
Asking someone to repeat an iffy comment will first help you to clarify if they just said what you think they just said. It also re-balances the unevenness of the strange exchange and makes them possibly second-guess what just came out of their mouth, bless their hearts.
Also, just to be clear: There are certain situations and people who really do get a pass for saying something that feels uncomfortable. Some of us with social anxiety, mental health stressors, disabilities, or neurodivergent minds might see and say things differently. There are also some of us whose first language isn’t our first language and certain words and phrases might get unintentionally misconstrued. So this is where human compassion comes in!
This is not a list on how to be a smart aleck. (There are plenty of other people around who could teach this, so we’re full up on that!) I’d first advocate for being kind over being right or “winning” the conversation.
I’ve written these responses as a guide for you when you’re talking to those who actually do KNOW BETTER. These responses are to help you gain confidence in standing up for yourself and set boundaries if you need to.
Also, some of these responses are for your entertainment because I’m guessing you could use an extra little chuckle today.
And remember, not everything is worth a reply. Politely and respectfully exit the situation if you feel overwhelmed or misunderstood. You can say stuff like:
- I’ve got to go home to let my dog out. (Make sure you have a dog first.)
- I need to run to the restroom!
- Oh, I just remembered I need to return an important call! Please pardon me!
Sometimes the courteous excuse will help you gently remove yourself from the weirdness.
But first…
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If Someone Asks If You’re Dating Someone…
And you’ve been asked this, I don’t know, maybe 430,000 times.
Why do people feel it’s okay to pry into the romantic lives of single people? Do we ask married people if they’re going to get divorced?
I know the intention is typically harmless, but it’s one of those conversation topics that people can be sensitive about.
Maybe they’d really like to date someone nice for a change, but it’s been impossible to meet anyone halfway eligible.
Maybe they don’t want to be dating at all and that they feel, as an independent person, there’s more to them than if they’re coupled up.
Maybe they just went through a bad breakup. Maybe they’re dating a jerk.
There are zillions of other questions to ask a single person…who also just happens to be a PERSON.
Things like:
- What have you been doing for fun lately?
- Watching anything good on Netflix?
- Have you been following the Olympics?
ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?
Are YOU dating anyone? (Especially puzzling if they’re married!)
No. (Then be super quiet. It’ll feel awkward, but you didn’t ask the question!)
WHAT’S IT LIKE BEING SINGLE?
It’s kind of like marriage except you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, never have to pick up anyone’s ghastly underwear off the floor, eat tacos at 2 AM without someone saying ARE YOU COMING TO BED, and answer to NO ONE if you want to buy a boat. Other than that, it’s about the same!
ARE YOU WAITING FOR MARRIAGE?
No, I’m a very impatient person.
Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?
I don’t feel very comfortable answering that, but thanks for your interest!
If Someone Asks If You’re Pregnant, Expecting, Got a Bun in the Oven, or When’s the Happy Day…
And you’re 100% NOT with child.
Not that I’m counting, but I’ve been asked this FIVE times. FIVE! And I’ve been asked everything listed above.
Spoiler Alert: Every time the answer was NO.
Here’s my question: How have we gotten this far as a society but yet people still feel okay to point out some of us who might not have a perfectly flat tummy? I myself have a perfectly not-flat tummy and even when I was 125 pounds, it was still a little squishy!
But to give people grace, not all of us are super well-spoken or just might not know better or may have some challenges with social situations. Some of us (ME!) are pretty awkward overall. So, I understand how blunders can be made.
But, Y’ALL. Let’s just try not to go there with asking someone if they’ll be giving birth anytime soon.
Here are some responses, though, if this does indeed happen. These won’t all be your personality, but maybe they can help you get ready beforehand, and you pick what feels right and comfortable for you to say.
ARE YOU PREGNANT?
Why are you asking?
No, are you?
Are you talking to me?
Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!
ARE YOU EXPECTING?
Expecting what?
I’m expecting you want me to actually answer that?
I don’t expect much of anything.
WHEN ARE YOU DUE?
Due for what?
Is this an existential question?
I’m guessing in a fortnight, by the light of the moon, as the crow flies. (I literally don’t know what I just said!)
ARE YOU WITH CHILD?
Why yes, my fur child is with me in spirit everywhere I go!
No, there are no children with me.
ARE YOU EATING FOR TWO?
Yes, I typically eat two of everything.
Are you offering me your sandwich?
DO YOU HAVE A BUN IN THE OVEN?
Why would I be baking buns when I’m talking to you?
No, I don’t cook.
A honeybun sounds really good right now!
If Someone Asks About Your Physical Appearance…
And they’re referring to a feature that you’re very self-conscious about or just don’t want to talk about.
Commenting on someone’s outer appearance in a negative way or putting them on the spot with an embarrassing question can be really hurtful. Beautiful or battle-tested, we’re more than our exterior selves. We can all practice seeing people for who they are on the inside.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE/ARM/LEG/ETC.?
That’s personal (but thanks for seeing the real me!).
I’m not really comfortable sharing that info with you.
God gave me this beautiful face, that’s what!
Nothing happened.
WERE YOU BORN LIKE THAT?
I don’t remember being born, but probably.
I don’t know what you mean.
What was that?
Are you asking if I’ve always been this good-looking? Why yes. Yes, I have!
WERE YOU IN AN ACCIDENT?
Oh, I’ve been in MANY accidents!
I’m TOTALLY accident-prone.
Hey, do you mind if we talk about something else?
Nope!
Yes, but maybe I’ll tell you more about it another day.
If Someone Questions Your Skills or Abilities…
And you know you’d do an outstanding job.
All through life, you’ll have people who believe in you and others who question it. But you know YOU. Stay strong and value your incredible worth. You’ve got this!
ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE ABLE TO DO THIS PROJECT?
I was born to do this job.
You can count on me!
I’m more than ready.
I am AND I’m excited to get started.
Here are some examples of my prior work. I can share other projects, too, and provide references, if needed.
I’m not only up for it, but would love the chance to do a great job for you!
WHAT MAKES YOU QUALIFIED?
Share your recent accomplishments, examples of strong work ethic, and your eagerness for the position. For example:
I received lots of great feedback from the past several projects. My clients were super happy with my work and I’d be super happy to get started on a project for you!
I have successfully completed assignments like these and I will bring the same skill and passion to your job. I am also a fast learner and innovative thinker, which means I can offer custom work, tailored to specifically fit your needs!
WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES?
What you’re really going to do here is share your strengths! For example:
I might take a little longer to complete my projects, but that’s because I want it to be done well and right!
I’m a bit of an over-thinker, but that is how I produce creative and unique work.
I can be very high energy, but that’s because I love what I do and appreciate any opportunity to grow in my craft.
If Someone Wants to Argue Over Politics or Religion…
And you know the outcome will never be positive or useful.
There are so many issues we face in the world and not a lack of opinions and arguments over them. And what’s plain common to sense to one person can be the opposite for another. If you know you’re going to get into an all-out verbal brawl with someone over a hot topic, take a deep breath and try to change the subject to something lighter.
I’m not necessarily saying we should avoid all tough conversations, but there are the ones that won’t go anywhere and you usually know which ones I’m talking about!
WHY ARE YOU VOTING FOR THEM?
I’m more aligned with their stances on things, but I understand we’re all coming from various points-of-view.
Let’s talk about it later when we’ve calmed down a little.
I’d love to discuss it with you, but don’t want us to be at odds.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
I know we have different opinions, but I don’t want that to get in the way of our friendship.
I know our perspectives aren’t exactly the same, but I respect where you’re coming from and value who you are to me.
WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER?
I’m not sure I have it all right, but I just go with my intuition and what’s in my heart.
I wish we agreed on everything, but that’s not realistic and that’s not life. Maybe we can work together on a solution we’re both content with.
Another perspective to consider is something gifted to us from Michelle Obama. Her famous quote about taking the high road is a good one:
When they go low, we go high.
Michelle Obama
Maybe if we glean anything from this, it’s to stay empathetic as much as we can. Whether our scars or imperfections are on the outside or inside, we’re all struggling with insecurities, sad memories, and worries about our future.
Instead, we can ask questions like:
- What are you reading?
- What gives you hope?
- How do you find your joy?
If you want more ideas on ways to spark good conversations, you know I have them! I write about it here.
And if you see me and I’ve gained 30 pounds, I’m not having any babies. I probably just ate way too many French fries. Let’s just leave it at that! But please, ask me about my dog, because that’s a sweet baby I’ll always have in my heart.
Importantly, you mentioned that different countries and different peoples think differently of different things. For example, I worked with a girl from China and one of her friends came from out of town and she said my you look like you have gained a lot of weight and and the person she was talking to was an American. But in China, this is a compliment and the girl that was being complemented didn’t think it was a compliment. So there you say there are differences in different people. Great article!
Yes, most of the time people have good intentions and we can all practice extending grace to one another. Thanks, Dad! Love you!